At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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