I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
