I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
