Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
