how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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