the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
