I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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