Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
