if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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