I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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