First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
