i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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