You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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