oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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