I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
