oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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