that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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