My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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