something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
