So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
