Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
