When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
