Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize