you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
