So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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