i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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