I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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