oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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