he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
