It's like a parade of train wrecks.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
