So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
