I am puke
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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