I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
