we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
