I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
