if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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