i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize
