It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He did a backflip because drugs
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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