Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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