I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
