beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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