I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
