Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
