My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
