OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
