I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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