i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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