haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
