oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
