I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I think I just sharted jello shots
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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