I CAN MOONWALK!
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
