My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
