dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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