love makes seman taste better
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
