To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize