he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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