No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
