i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
