I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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