phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
