omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
They should really pass out barf bags in church
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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