Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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